


The Way He Feels

by DreamWeaver14



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Ash is loud in bed, Cutting, Dominance, Fluff, Lashton - Freeform, Luke Loves Ashton, M/M, Sad, Self-Harm, Shameless Smut, Smut, Top!Luke, Triggers, ash is getting hate, bottom!Ashton, luke like to leave marks, the boys don't know what to do, the hashtag, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-23
Updated: 2014-04-23
Packaged: 2018-01-20 12:15:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1510094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamWeaver14/pseuds/DreamWeaver14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Title inspired by The Way She Feels by Between the Trees.</p><p>Ashton used to do things to cope, to deal with his own self destruction. But then he met the boys and things got better... his blades were forgotten and his scars began to fade...  But nothing good ever lasts and eventually the hate and the hashtag of twitter start bringing him down again...</p><p>Basically Luke is always the first in Ashton's eyes:<br/>The first to notice<br/>The first to hold him<br/>The first to care</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Way He Feels

Worthless.  Useless.  Ugly.  

Hated.  Not good enough.  

Alone.  Forgotten. Unwanted.  

Disgusting.  Lost.  Ashamed.

 

These were the things I felt as I drug the blade of the small silver razor across the tanned skin of my wrist for the first time.  I had been falling apart for so long and with every day that passed more cuts and scars had peppered my flesh.  But then I thought that I had found my place in the world, I had met the three most amazing people in the world, Luke, Calum, and Michael.  It wasn't long before our band had really begun to take off, with our fan base growing larger every day.  The fans were honestly so amazing and sweet at that time, they were practically extended family to us.  Then Louis had discovered us and the next thing I knew we were touring the world with the boys from One Direction, opening for one of the most iconic musical groups in the world.  In all the excitement and with all the love and support I was receiving from both the fans and the boys, the blades hidden in that little black case at the bottom of my duffle-bag had been all but forgotten.  Life was so much brighter and that little voice in the back of my mind that had once driven my to seek relief in the sight of my own blood was growing quieter with every passing day.

 

But then everything started to change.  Our once purely loyal, supportive, and kind fans started sprouting a few bad seeds...  The hate was practically nonexistent at first, but with time it had grown into some kind of monster.  Twitter had made it easier for people to give both love and hate, and even easier yet for me to sit and re-read those harsh words over and over again until they started to drive me mad.  At first I had simply ignored the hate, but with time I had begun finding myself searching for it.  Then one day there on my news feed appeared the infamous hash-tag, and I no longer need to search to find the hate.  I would spend hours reading through it, my eyes misted over with tears and my bottom lip caught between my teeth to keep it from trembling.

 

Luke was the first to notice that I was changing, his long arms surrounding me multiple times a day as he would mumble kind words into the top of my head, his lips pressed in my hair.  Calum was the next to notice, his eyes meeting mine and somehow seeing my sadness, "It's not true you know, the things they're saying.  You're amazing, Ash, don't forget that.” he had whispered, hugging me tightly.  Michael was the last to notice, too engrossed in his video games to truly see the change until it was plainly obvious; his eyes ghosting over things but never focusing long enough to see them in detail.  But when he finally saw the changes, he had pulled me in tight; saying nothing, but there was no need for words because I knew he understood.

 

It had been about a month after Michael had become aware of the changes, that I had made the first cut.  The boys had gone out and despite their offers to join in on their so called 'fun', I had insisted upon staying home.  Luke had been suspicious, stopping to murmur a quiet, “Please don't anything stupid Ash, I love you too much to lose you.” in my ear before following Cal and Mikey out the door.  The guilt had encompassed me as I leaned against the bathtub watching the blood trail down my arm, several fresh cuts littering my wrists, dripping blood onto the tiled floor.  But the relief had outweighed the guilt as I sliced several more lines into my skin that night.

 

Luke had been the only one to notice the bracelets the next day, eyeing me with disappointment as I fidgeted with them when they rubbed against my raw flesh.  I knew he knew what I had done because he was the only person I had ever told about my history of cutting.  Later that night when Cal and Mikey had gone out, Luke had grabbed my hand, pulling the bracelets off my sore arm, tears brimming in his eyes as he had pressed his lips softly to the fresh cuts.  "I'm so sorry Lukey.” I had whimpered, as his misty eyes had met mine.  

Luke had just sighed and pulled me tightly into his arms, cradling me against his chest, "You have nothing to be sorry for Ash.  In fact I'm sorry, sorry I wasn't here when you needed me most." 

 

After that night Luke rarely left me alone, he was always close by, but not in a smothering sort of way but rather more as a support, catching me when he saw that I was falling.  I can easily recall the first night he kissed me, the way his lips felt soft and unsure against my own.  I had been crying and he had stooped his head down to rest his forehead against mine, and within the span of just a few short seconds he had tilted his head further and gently pressed his lips to mine.  After that night it has become something he did to calm me, even though it made my heart race.

 

Several months had passed since our first kiss, and we had yet to determine what exactly we were... Close friends, friends with benefits, or in a relationship? I really hoped it was leaning towards being in a committed relationship because honestly I was head over heels for Luke, with his big blue eyes and gentle heart.  

"I love you," I mumbled into the column of his throat as we cuddled on his bed, our legs tangled together under the sheets. "Actually Luke, I think I'm in love with you." I whispered propping myself up to look him in the eye.  A slow smile began to spread across his lips, making his dimples stand out.  His eyes glittered and he looked like I had just told him that he had won some great prize.  The next thing I knew Luke was pulling me up and pressing his lips to mine.  But this kiss was unlike any other that we had shared previously, there was an electric undercurrent, I felt as though I was buzzing from head to toe.

 

Luke pulled back and with a lazy grin mumbled, "God, I thought you'd never feel the same.  I love you too Ashton, with all of my heart." And with that I slammed my lips back on his, feeling the cool metal of his lip ring as his tongue slid across my bottom lip, asking for entrance which I allowed without a second thought.  I rolled to straddle Luke's waist, my body flush with his as I submitted to Luke letting him lead the kiss.  I whimpered as Luke pulled away to kiss and nip at my neck, my hips grinding softly into Luke's.  In an instant Luke flipped us over so he was now straddling my hips with his own.  He thrust down experimentally while nipping gently at my throat.  A throaty groan escaped him and he thrust down again chasing the sweet friction that we both craved so desperately at that moment.  

"Luke," I groaned squeezing my eyes shut as he reached down to palm me through my sweats, "Fuck Lukey, I need you," I whimpered as his hand snaked under the waistband of my pants.

 

Luke froze and looked me dead in the eye, "Are you sure Ash?  We don't have to go any further if you don't want," he said seriously, his eyes searching mine.  

“For fuck's sake Luke, I need you.  Please, Lukey," I hissed, my hips thrusting up against his in search of some sort of friction, "I'm sure.  I want you so bad Luke, please." I begged.  With that Luke tugged down my sweats and boxers and I did the same to his, leaving us both bare.  

 

I gasped out a shocked breath as Luke wrapped his long fingers around my length, thrusting up into the tightness of his fist, mewling in pleasure at the slight drag of his calloused palm against my sensitive skin.  "Fingers, Luke, I need your fingers," I groaned shamefully.  A slight whine passed my lips at the loss of contact when Luke leaned over me to reach into the drawer of his bedside table.  I could hear the crackle of foil as Luke dropped the condom on the bed, then a clicking as he uncapped the lube. The next thing I felt was one of Luke's slick fingers pressed against my tight ring of muscles.

"Shhhhh... Ash, babe you have to relax for me," Luke coaxed, his lips soothing the mark he had left earlier on my throat.  Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to relax, feeling Luke slowly nudge a single digit into my tight hole.  A whine escaped me at the odd feeling as Luke continued to press in, pausing for only a second before beginning to slowly thrust his finger in and out of me.  After a few minutes Luke began to slowly ease in a second finger, my breath hissing through clenched teeth at the stretch, but the discomfort was quickly forgotten as Luke began to curl his fingers, brushing gently against my prostate.

"Oh shit," I cursed, feeling my belly start to tighten," Luke, stop I'm gonna come if you don't," I warned, but Luke just smirked and curled his fingers quicker milking my sensitive bundle of nerves.  

"Come for me Ashton," He whispered in my ear his voice low and thick as he sped up his actions.  

 

"Want you inside me when I come," I hissed through gritted teeth, trying to keep my climax at bay.  I shivered at the feeling of emptiness as Luke withdrew his fingers, clenching on air as I heard Luke tear open the condom packet.   My eyes fluttered open to see Luke slicking himself up, before lining himself up with my entrance.  

"I love you," He breathed before starting to thrust in gently.

"Shit," I hissed in pain, tears springing in my eyes as Luke pushed in.  I could feel Luke kissing away my tears and muttering apologies until he was fully seated inside of me.  After having a few moments to adjust, the pain began to dissipate and I gritted out a quiet, "Move, please," as I swiveled my hips down cautiously.  A whimper slipped past my lips as Luke thrusted slowly, his length dragging against my prostate.  It wasn't long before I was pleading for more, faster, harder and Luke obliged willingly, grunting and groaning at the feel of it.  

 

"Shit Ash, I'm close," he mumbled, pressing his lips to my shoulder.  

"Me too, Lukey.’M so close... Oh, f-fuck," I groaned painting my stomach with come as I tightened on Luke's member.

"Oh, s-shit," he whimpered, his hips stilling as he released into the condom.  Our breathing was loud and labored as we both came down from our highs.  After a few moments, Luke pulled out and I groaned at the loss.  I watched as he tied of the condom and tossed it in the bin before grabbing his boxers off the floor to clean off my stomach.

 

"I love you so much Ash, don't you ever forget that," Luke mumbled, cradling me against his chest.

"I promise, Luke, I love you too," I sighed, resting my head on my shoulder.  

 

Suddenly the hate wasn't so hard to face because I knew Luke would be there for me every step of the way.  I wasn't alone anymore, and it felt nice to be held and loved for the first time in a while.  It made sense that Luke was always first, because he was the first person I had every truly loved.

 

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think? I don't know if it's any good, but it's way to early to be a functioning human being so it's okay :P


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